notmyownage | The Badlands of South Dakota, Saturday

The directions Claudia had downloaded to get them from the Portalocity hub to the actual warehouse included the words "turn right into the cow pasture." Claudia couldn't help but wonder if that was some sort of joke or elaborate security measure, but she made sure they got themselves an SUV either way, and sure enough, as they made it through the cow pasture, there it was, behind a cow, even, a hulking, rusted out, massive old warehouse.

"You know," Claudia said, peering up at it. "Here I thought Fandom had shown me everything."

Jake	Did anybody how cows kind of stank? Not as much at Jono, but it was there. "I don't know," Jake said, ignoring the cow scent in favour of trying to pick up if anyone besides them was outside. "As long as the cows don't suddenly grab an axe and try to kill us, I'm cool with it."
Peter	"You know, as far as secret bases go, hiding it in a place where only drunk cowtippers will wander is actually a pretty smart move," Peter said. "But I agree with Jake. I'm ready for anything but murderous cows."
Claudia	Claudia tapped away at her phone, making sure the hole in security was well and truly open. "For all I know, it's full of murderous cows. Seriously, all I've got on this place is the electrical grid."
Jake	"Guess we'll find out," Jake said with a crooked smile. If there was a bovine menace, it could at least be fun to deal with it. "So what now? We just walk into the front door?"
Scully	"Is the fence electrified?" Scully asked, looking around carefully. "Or is it all feeding into the warehouse? Because that might argue for a more advanced security system."
Claudia	"Around the pasture? Nah, just a cow-fence. Which, you know, if you're gonna hide a giant government warehouse somewhere. . . ."
Peter	"So, we're just waltzing in the front door, right?" Peter said. "Is anyone staying in the car, or have we learned our lesson from eighties slasher films?"
Scully	"It's got an automatic starter and it's not like someone's going to steal it out here," Scully said, putting her hands on her hips. "I am not going to be the first body because I'm the shortest."
Jake	"That means I'm on, right?" Jake asked, a little too eager about the whole breaking and entering thing.
Claudia	"The door's got an electronic lock, so . . ." Claudia did a few fiddly things with her phone. ". . . Yep. It's open. Careful, though, there's all sorts of electrical bits in the front hallway that I'm not sure what do." In fact, those electrical bits were explosives lining the long, white, circular tunnel that lead away from the front door.
Jake	"Electrical bits?" Jake repeated, shooting her a look. He shrugged after a moment. "Let's get this invasion started then!" He really needed to stop sounding chipper, it didn't sound very sneaky. Either way, he was setting off towards the entrance already, keeping low just in case and moving surprisingly quiet for someone his bulk.
Scully	Scully had her gun, but she wasn't pulling it out yet. After all, they were the ones breaking the law and about fifteen federal regulations -- better to reduce the amount of charges that would be brought. With that cheerful thought, she followed Jake carefully, and her eyes narrowed when she saw the tunnel, looking around immediately for cameras or listening devices.
Peter	Peter, on the other hand, was doing his best to scope out alternate exits, if possible. One way in and out was... not the way to do this sort of thing. He almost wished he'd brought a bomb with him, just to blow a hole in something if needed. And hey, it'd be applying his classes to real life situations! "So, everyone filled out their wills just in case, right?" The gallows humor was probably out of place.
Claudia	Claudia mostly just wanted the whole thing over with, so she'd have her brother back. "Yeah, I'm pretty sure the state of Minnesota would just take all my stuff, anyway." She kept an eye on her phone as they moved in, and her connection with the warehouse's electrical grid and security. "We've got a hallway with . . . stuff . . . and then some sort of smaller office before the main warehouse area. There's a video feed, but I'm still working on getting access to that." She could totally hack and sneak at the same time. No, really. . . .
Jake	"Want to check out the office?" Jake breathed, moving as careful as he could along the tunnel to avoid touching the electrical bits. So far, he couldn't make out anyone else in the building, but the scent was clear enough. "Someone's definitely been here."
Claudia	"Might as well. Could give us a better feel for things." Claudia frowned. "You think you could smell if someone was about to come at us?" Okay, so that was definitely a point in favor of not having decided to do this alone.
Jake	"Probably," Jake murmured, slowing down for a moment as he glanced back at her. "I'll hear it first and if you can find anything of Artie's, I might be able to pick up his scent."
Scully	"We do have an explanation ready for showing up unannounced and illegally, right?" Scully checked. "As sympathetic as he's likely to be about Joshua, we'll have to explain how we found this place."
Claudia	No. No they didn't. "I can handle Artie." And yeah, maybe she sounded just a little bit vengefully creepy on that one. "Far as I can tell, he's the only one who regularly works here. I blame budget cuts."
Peter	"All else fails, we argue that we're a lost mystery-solving team and we heard Old Man Smithers lives here and he's pretending to be a ghost and scaring off people from his secret gold mine," Peter said. "Or we just follow Claudia's lead. One of these options is more likely to get us arrested." He wasn't sure which, though.
Jake	Seriously? Jake was sort of staring at Peter now. "Or we could just not get caught?" With a shake of his head, he started moving again while keeping his eyes peeled for that office Claudia had mentioned.
Claudia	The office lay at the end of the hall, literally the only place the tunnel like hallway could lead to. This area of the warehouse was apparently nothing if not direct. The contrast between the white hallway and the dim, brown office was striking, possibly enough to briefly blinding as their eyes adjusted. Where the hallway had seemed ultra-modern, the office had a cozier -- and much older -- feel, as though it hadn't changed since sometime in the 1940s, save for a few computer monitors hooked up to what looked like typewriter keyboards. A large card catalog lined one wall, a free standing chalkboard along another. A spiral staircase tucked to one side lead up into a lofted area, and an extremely large electrical console -- emitting somewhat angry noises, thanks to Claudia's tinkering -- dominated the corner across from it. "Holy anachronism, Ratman." Claudia shook her head. "This has Artie's touch all over it."
Scully	"So where's the man himself?" Scully wondered, starting to ~~snoop~~ look around. "Maybe he went off to find the source of the electrical problems? It's the first thing I'd do."
Peter	"...Artie has an interesting aesthetic style," Peter said, looking over the gathered things. "And yet, this feels kind of familiar. Weird." Oh Peter, what you totally couldn't remember if you tried.
Jake	Jake shot the console an annoyed look. At least he knew what that sound was now. Sort of. This place set his teeth on edge. There were too many noises making him paranoid. Still, nothing was jumping up at them in the room and he was already heading up the spiral staircase. The geeks could figure out what was there, he'd make sure they wouldn't get those cows ambushing them.
Claudia	At the top of the stairs, Jake would find a small living space, with a hammock strung up in the corner. Someone, an older man, by the looks of it, had been living there for quite some time. Claudia went for the computers, herself, looking to see if there was any sort of surveillance for the main floor of the warehouse. Above the computer was a large window, the view partially obscured by horizontal blinds. Claudia glanced out and whistled through her teeth. "Holy crap, this place is huge."
Scully	Scully had been looking dubiously at the hybrid old/new computer set-up, but now joined Claudia at the window. "It's a maze. If he's in there, we'll never find him," she said in dismay. "Not if he knows we're in here, and he's hiding, anyway."
Peter	Peter walked up behind them and looked suitably impressed. "And just in case, we could hide in there pretty well ourselves, if we need to," he said. "...Anyone else getting that kid in a candy store feeling?"
Jake	He really has brought all the positive thinkers of Fandom with him on this trip, hadn't he? Granted, Claudia had been the one to do the bringing, but Jake was still rolling his eyes at a smelly pair of socks. "The bad news is that there's nothing useful up there," he said as he made his way back down the stairs. He cast a glance at the view the others were admiring and smirked. "Good news is that it reeks of old man. I should be able to track him down there. As long as he doesn't know Angua's peppermint trick." Modesty, he had none.
Scully	Scully looked at him in surprise, then grinned. "I forgot. You're right, of course." She looked back over the warehouse, then shook her head and wondered aloud, "But what on Earth is the Federal government storing here, anyway?"
Claudia	Claudia leaned forward to get a better view out the window. Giant warehouse full of stacks and stacks and stacks and stacks of boxes and oddly shaped goods and -- was than azeppelin in the distance? "I vote that we go find out. We can totally take a closer look while we find Artie."
Peter	"Wait, hold up," Peter said, raising a hand. "Since when is Jake part bloodhound?" This was an important question.
Jake	"Since I'm a werewolf," Jake informed him with a wolfish grin, looking annoyingly amused for someone breaking into a government owned warehouse. "And I definitely think we should take a look. We might as well make the most of this."
Scully	Scully got out her phone, ready to take pictures, and grinned at Peter's confusion. "Following your lead, O scent-sleuth," she said to Jake. "Although I'm thinking we should mark our path so we can find our way back if we get separated."
Claudia	"Mark the path, right. Anyone got any string?"
Peter	"...You know, I brought string with me when exploring a giant labyrinth. Today, I'm really missing my sarcastic LARP kit," Peter said. "We could... mark the racks with lipstick?" He looked over at the girls, hopefully.
Jake	At Peter's suggestion, Jake instantly moved back towards the chalkboard. Sure enough, there was some chalk there and he grabbed all of them, holding them out to the others. "Or we could use these?"
Scully	"That would've been my suggestion, yes," Scully said, voice set to Extra Dry. "Lipstick." Pffttt. "Let's go!"
Jake	Jake snorted and as everyone had taken some of the chalk, he finally left the room to head down the hall towards the main part of the warehouse. Artie's scent was strongest here, obviously having taken the path thousands of times by now. Which soon turned into a disadvantage as the tunnel finally ended and rows and rows of shelves piled with... junk spread out. Jake came to a stop, blinking now that he got a better view of things. "Talk about hoarding," he mumbled, and not just because it was a challenge to pick out a fresh scent from the older trails.
Claudia	Claudia peered closer at one of the shelves, especially the tiny computerized screens labeling each object. "Arms of the Venus de Milo. You gotta be kidding me." She'd rather thought her universe was kind of normal.
Scully	"They can't be the originals... Can they?" Scully had expected weapons, biochemistry vials, small boxes with alien implants, but this, this was... "The world's largest jumble sale on acid." She stopped to blink at a huge, ornate mirror, which made the boxes behind them seem to go on even further, if possible. Then blinked again. Did that thing just wink at her?
Peter	"This is a secret base," Peter said, looking around himself. He didn't wander out of visual contact with the group, though. "While I'm skeptical, I'm not ruling out the possibility."
Jake	"Yeah, but why would you even want to keep some statue's arms?" Jake asked, still distracted but he thought he had found the way and he started slowly down one of the rows. "Or a dog whistle..." Seriously?
Claudia	Claudia looked around again before moving to follow. "There's a dog whistle?" Considering the variety of things on the shelves, she supposed she shouldn't be surprised. "Dude, this says it's Harry Houdini's wallet. What is this, Planet Hollywood reject storage?"
Peter	"Maybe this is a trophy collection from Black Ops missions," Peter joked. "You know, like a serial killer."
Scully	Scully snorted. "A seriously deranged series of Black Ops missions." She stopped and looked at one of the labels. "George S. Patton's helmet... makes mass telepathic communication possible?" What?
Claudia	Claudia followed Scully's gaze. "Tell me I'm not the only one tempted to put it on."
Peter	"If it works, I want to take it back to school with me," Peter said. He then paused. "Did I really just take that thing at face value? I'm losing my edge."
Scully	"School does that to you," Scully said, blinking and shaking her head. "...and I don't want to think how you'd test it." Jake was getting ahead of them, so Scully hurried to try and catch up; she rounded a turn and nearly knocked over a few things sticking out into the aisle.
Claudia	"Wouldn't you just . . . put it on and think at stuff?" Claudia had no idea how telepathy worked. She headed after Scully, then drew up short at the near collision. "Woah, careful, you almost knocked over -- is that a dodgeball?"
Jake	Jake had been too caught in the tracking to realise not everyone had as long legs as he did. The noise made him turn for a moment to see if everyone was fine. He stared at the dodgeball for a moment. "I need to check something. I'll be back," he said, not waiting for a response before he disappeared down the next isle. The scent was confusing. There simply were too many tracks of the same person for him to be sure which way to head.
Peter	"Okay, this I have to see," Peter said, moving to pick up the dodgeball. Hey, he was throwing caution to the wind, yes. "What is it, the very first dodgeball known to... oops." Yes, he actually knocked the dodgeball over. Silly, silly Peter.
Scully	Bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce. The dodgeball wasn't rolling to a stop, it wasn't losing momentum, it was-- speeding up. Scully's eyes widened as it ricocheted off one shelf and headed for her head. "Ack!" She ducked, landing on her back as it whizzed over her head. "That's breaking the laws of physics!"
Claudia	"Scully!" Claudia ran forward to check on her friend -- only to get whacked in the stomach by the ricocheting dodgeball. "Ooof." She doubled over, wind knocked out of her, then stared, her eyes going wide. There were now two dodgeballs, bouncing menacingly in the middle of the aisle. "Oh, that's just not fair!"
Peter	"Okay, now is not the time to mention that I wasn't normally the first one picked for the dodg--" Peter's smartass comment was cutoff by a dodgeball to the head. And then there were three self-propelled dodgeballs about. "--ow."
Scully	Scully looked up, then her eyes widened in horror. "Guys. Guys? I think we're in trouble--" And each ball zoomed toward the three of them. Scully's hit her hard in the stomach, knocking the wind out of her as it multiplied in front of her eyes. "Oh, shit." Then when she got her breath back: "I hated this stupid game!"
Claudia	Claudia dodged hers. "I don't know any one who --" The ball rebounded off the shelves and caught her in the back of the head. "-- didn't." Dammit, that stung! She covered her head and ran to the nearest shelf. "Maybe there's something here we can use to kill it!" Because, you know, killing a dodgeball totally made sense.
Peter	"I'm looking for anything sh--" And that was a double-hit by dodgeballs, as they continued to multiply. "Okay, seriously, if I was naked this would be every junior high nightmare I had."
Scully	Scully got up again, dodged one ball, took the other on her hip, and stumbled into a shelf, looking around frantically. "There was a label for the helmet, maybe there's one for this nightmare--" Bounce! "Are they possessed, or what?!"
Claudia	"Wait, hang on. . . ." Claudia looked over a series of screens until she spotted one with a dodgeball on it. "Here!" Whack! "Ow!" She rubbed her head. "It says it's a 'Baylor Dodgeball'. Brought in after it . . . oh. That's not good."
Peter	"After what?" Peter said, actually managing to dodge out of the way of one of them. "Please tell me these things didn't kill somebody." It seemed a real possibility.
Claudia	"Okay." Claudia shrugged, pressing closer to the shelves as a ball went winging past. "But then I'd be lying."
Scully	"Seriously?" Scully didn't want to be yelling, but the bouncing was getting louder too. "We could probably run away from them?" Bounce bounce whap! "... If there weren't at least ten of them now."
Peter	"Well we can't just let them batter us to death," Peter said, hurrying over to basically play human shield for Claudia so she could concentrate. "Is there anything at all on that thing explaining how we stop it?" Peter took another dodgeball to the face. Ow.
Claudia	Claudia might yell at him for human shielding later, but for now, she just tapped impatiently at the screen. "No, that would be helpful. This system was designed by monkeys."
Scully	Scully managed to bat one away from her, then dodge another, and grimaced. "There has to be a trick to it, somehow... if they keep multiplying on contact, maybe they slow down if you can dodge them long enough?" Look, it would make sense, wouldn't it? "Ow!"
Peter	"Well, wait," Peter said, dodging barely out of the way. "How do you win at dodgeball? You don't just dodge your way to victory, right? You either have to peg the last poor guy on the other team or..." WHAM! Right in the kisser. That was going to sting for a while. "...catch the ball."
Claudia	Claudia winced in sympathy to the head shot -- and got smacked in the back by another of the evil balls. "Yeah, I always sucked at that part of dodgeball." As opposed to, you know, any of the other parts. Which she also sucked at.
Scully	Scully attempted to catch one-- but it was going far too fast, and merely knocked the breath out of her as she fell down. "Why don't we have medics to pull us out of the way?" she gasped. "That was the only part I was good at." whap
Peter	"Well maybe we can just..." Peter tried his best, but the ball twanged as it hit his stomach and escaped his grasp. And having been gutshot, the rest of his sentence was just a quiet "ow."
Jake	"What the hell are you guys d-?" Jake demanded, getting cut short as the ball whizzed right towards his head. He caught it and instantly regretted it as what felt like a container full of dodgeballs were dumped right on top of his head. Not fair.
Claudia	"Jake!" Claudia hurried over, careful not to touch any of the dodgeballs while she checked on him. "Did you get it?" She'd ask if he was okay, but, well, she already knew he was very durable.
Jake	He was fine, even if it hadn't exactly been fun. "What exactly did I get?" he asked, holding up the dodgeball which he'd somehow held on to despite the whole deluge. "Did you guys piss off the warehouse or something?"
Artie	"Or something." A short, older man had appeared at the end of the line of shelves, holding what looked like a steampunk ray gun in his right hand and glaring balefully at the group. "Ah, the Baylor Dodgeball. I might've guessed that's what would trip you up."
Claudia	Claudia straightened from where she was peering down at Jake and stepped towards him, her own eyes narrowing. "Artie."
Artie	"Red-headed intruder," said Artie. "And friends."
Scully	The other red-headed intruder sat up, and took a deep breath. "What is going on with this place? You have historical artifacts that would be in museums if they weren't trying to kill you!"
Artie	"Really!" Artie's voice fairly dripped an odd sort of manic sarcasm. "I never would have noticed! Maybe they wouldn't be trying to kill you if you hadn't broken in!"
Claudia	Claudia refused to be intimidated. She took another step forward. "So what's with the gun there, Artie-pants? You really think you're gonna shoot a bunch of kids? 'Cause I don't think so."
Jake	"He's not," Jake agreed with a growl, pushing some of the dodgeballs away as he moved forward. "I'll break his fingers before he can think of pulling that trigger." He gave Artie a toothy grin. "Wanna try it, old man?"
Artie	"Old man?!" Artie frowned up -- and up and up -- at Jake. "Good lord, we've been invaded by giants." He was, it turned out, very difficult to intimidate.
Jake	"Werewolf," Jake rolled his eyes, because somehow that mattered. It did, because giants didn't exactly move as fast. There was a scattering of dodgeballs and then Jake was beside Artie, making a grab for the gun.
Artie	"Were-" Congratulations, Jake, that actually surprised Artie, enough that it was very easy to get the gun away from him. "Be careful with that, you oaf! You children have no idea what you're toying with!"
Claudia	"What, you mean the giant warehouse full of madcap?" Claudia crossed her arms. "Funny, you'd told me you were just a simple professor."
Artie	Artie blinked at her, adjusting his glasses. "Have we met?"
Claudia	"Aw, you don't recognize me? I'm hurt." Claudia didn't look hurt. She looked smug and just a little vengeful. "Of course, it was awhile ago. I was a lot younger then." She snorted, looking him over. "So were you."
Artie	Awhile ago, combined with just a simple professor twigged something in Artie's memory -- though the entourage including an apparent werewolf was messing with him. "And I'm sure a grand time was had by all. Now will you all please tell me what you're doing here?"
Peter	"You mean other than almost being beaten to death by evil dodgeballs?" Peter snarked, partially just to feel like he was contributing something to the goings-on.
Artie	"I'm sure you're aware there are far easier places to get beaten up playing dodgeball." Artie probably had a fair amount of experience with that, himself. "You're lucky you haven't managed to magnetize yourselves to the warehouse ceiling."
Jake	"Sure sure," Jake waved the from outer space looking gun in a dismissive motion of someone who tended to forget he wasn't invincible. "And you're like you haven't managed to really piss me off yet. How about you try jogging your memory?"
Scully	"Give me that," Scully said, holding out her hand for the gun and managing not to wince at the laissez-faire way Jake was handling it. "Does this thing have a safety?" she demanded of Artie. "And how many people do you meet who'd want to break in and talk to you because you're unlisted, don't answer e-mails, and are part of a secret government facility?"
Artie	Artie held out his hand cautiously for the gun. "Yes, it's called 'don't give the Tesla to teenagers'. Now exactly which part of 'secret facility' is giving you children so much trouble?"
Claudia	"Great. My brother's life is in the hands of a crotchety old d-bag." Wait, did he call that thing a 'Tesla'?
Artie	"Your brother?" And then it clicked. "Claudia Donovan." He shook his head slowly. "Your brother's dead." The sarcasm had given way to something more closely resembling sympathy -- or possibly pity. "He died five years ago."
Claudia	Claudia's ground her teeth. "No, genius, he's not. And you're going to help me get him back."
Scully	Scully said slightly more calmly-- now that she wasn't being pelted with Dodgeballs, "We have reason to believe that Joshua Donovan is still alive. And we'd like your assistance. Sir. Please." Something. Usually she was the one upholding governmental regs; this was messing with her head.
Artie	"You almost sound civilized." Artie shook his head. "I'm sorry, but you weren't there. You've allowed Claudia to drag you into something incredibly dangerous, and you all need to leave. Now."
Jake	"Newsflash; We're not going anywhere until you give Claudia the answers she wants," Jake said, not sounding very civilised and not much caring.
Artie	"Newsflash," Artie responded snippily. "I can't. There's nothing in here that can bring back the dead." That wasn't true. There was nothing in here that brought back the dead without making things go really really badly.
Peter	"Okay, we have proof that he's still alive, don't we?" Peter said, feeling a little weird that he might have to take the old guy's side if things got ugly. That would not go down so well, he knew. But this was getting into something he'd not quite signed up for. "I mean, that's why we're here, right? So just show him the proof, Claudia."
Claudia	Claudia didn't have proof, no. Her brother only existed in this dimension currently as a cloud of glowing gold Joshua-shaped mist that appeared in his laboratory. That was kind of hard to prove. It was her word -- and Jake's -- against Artie's. She didn't say that, though. Instead, she said "Sure," and pulled something out of her pockets, stepping closer to Artie. The old man eyed her suspiciously, but didn't move, giving Claudia enough time to quickly snap her homemade electrified handcuffs to one of his wrists. "Proof that I'm not taking no for an answer, here."
Artie	Artie looked nonplussed, looking at his newly decorated wrist. "A handcuff. I could get out of this with a spatula." Then Claudia hit the remote activation button, and Artie jerked, his hair standing somehow even more up on end for a moment as 20,000 volts ran through him. "What -- what -- are you insane?"
Scully	Scully might have been looking like she was going to ask that too. "Claudia! What the -- you never said anything about shock-cuffs or tasers or-- cut it out! Turn that off!" She turned to Artie and said, "Could you please just cooperate?! This was not in the plan!"
Claudia	"Relax." Claudia smirked, tucking the remote away in her pocket. "It's totally harmless. Unless," she tilted her head at Artie. "You don't have a heart condition, do you?"
Artie	Yes, Artie decided. She was insane. "Poor kid," he muttered, then looked over her friends again. "If I humor her, will you all please leave the warehouse? Without touching anything else?"
Peter	That sounded like the most peaceful solution right now, so Peter nodded. "It'll be like we were never here. Mostly," he said, still worried as to what Claudia was planning. This had caught him by surprise, just a bit.
Jake	No, Jake hadn't exactly seen that one coming, but unlike Peter and Scully, he didn't object. There wasn't much he wouldn't do for his pack and Claudia was trying to save her brother. "You might need back up," he said quietly to Claudia.
Peter	"Call us right away if you need help," Peter said, mainly because he wouldn't mind making sure the old guy was staying safe.
Scully	"We have no wish to cause any more problems, but Claudia really is onto something," Scully said, giving her friend a worried look. "So yes. We'll leave as soon as we can."
Claudia	Claudia bit her lip, giving them all a small smile. "You guys rock." Though Jake was right about back up. "If I don't check in tomorrow, Jake knows where Joshua's lab is."
Artie	"What, they're meant to be the cavalry?" Claudia pushed the button, sending Artie jerking again. "Fine! Whatever! Just so long as everyone leaves!" Artie was all heart.